Fleeting Light

by Bałtyk

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about

Fleeting Light is an 56 minute album about its creator's fading will to live.

Created as a form of self-help, its sole purpose was to pin-point the moods and thoughts that nearly led the creator to suicide back in february, and then again, in april. The scope of Fleeting Light encompasses not only the immense psychological turmoil that its creator went through, but also the things that helped him re-emerge as a stronger, yet much more secluded person. Songs catalog his feelings towards himself, his always-comforting dog, a search for a higher being and the pursuit of connection that doesn't even have to be human. The album was recorded from the 31st of December 2017 to the 6th of July 2018. The songs range from indie folk to alt-rock, to post-rock; going from minimal barely-there style of recording to epic and sprawling.

credits

released July 6, 2018

Michał Rutkowski - vocals, guitars, bass, piano, bass drum, bongo drums, production, songwriting, cover photo and design

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Bałtyk Warsaw, Poland

Warsaw-based singer-songwriter, producer and visual artist.

contact / help

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Track Name: Cutting Through Air
Every dawn
I'm scattered on the rocks
I fall
Just to feel
Just to know
If I'm alive still or this is all
a Vision
a Vision
the Vision
A high pitched noise
It calls me
Towards the edge
Where the waves crash
Where my body will soon smash
Where my body will soon smash
(I cannot get it)
With teeth gnashed
My simple flesh
Torn apart
No spirit inside
No spirit outside
Just an empty shell
Track Name: Frostbitten Hands
Now that I've slowly reemerged
With cold wet hair through the ashes (Sifting through the ashes)
Scattered on my face (On my face)
Oh, I try to play guitar with
Frostbitten Hands
My Frostbitten Hands
Oh, I make a lot of mistakes (A lot of mistakes)
Oh wind, come through (A lot of mistakes)
And see me fade away
Fade away
Fade away
Fade away
Fade away
Fade away
Fade away
Sensing things beyond mistake
I dig my own grave
Track Name: I Love My Dog
I woke up alone
My right eye filled with blood
I just can't see straight anymore
The room saturated with dampness and the cold morning air
I don't know who keeps letting it in
Yeah, I'm just so clueless
My dog sleeping sound with her head on my hip
She loves me (Loves me)
She loves me (Loves me)
And I love her
I love my dog
I love my dog
Last week she fell down the stairs (I love my dog)
And she was afraid to come up again (I love my dog)
I had to carry her
How she could be so helpless?
I still can't understand
Track Name: Allen Ginsberg's Letter
I am miserable now
Not feeling unhappiness
Just lack of life
Coming to me
And coming out of me
Resignation to getting nothing
And seeking nothing
Staying behind the shell
The glare of unknown love
Human
Unhad by me
The tenderness
I never had
I don't want to be just a nothing
A sick blank
Withdrawal into myself
Forever
I just want something beside
The emptiness I've carried around in me
All my life
Track Name: Spiritus Mundi
Midnight
Waves of air whooshing
The deep grass with animals grazing
Witnessing time
Past events
His presence radiates
With growth carried on the wind
Visible and tangible
I plead -

"Oh, Spirit of the World
Oh, speak to me!"
"Oh, Wind
Oh, speak to me!"
"Oh, Speak
Oh, speak to me!"

There's no one there to answer my question
No one there to receive my message

"Oh, Wind
Oh, speak to me!"
"Oh, Wind
Oh, speak to me!"
Track Name: Fleeting Light
50°37'5.622"N
20°20'37.75"E

Even though everything's blurry
Somehow, I am safe

The shuttle drifted away
I'm drowning in space
With nothing left
God,
Speak to me

Takeoff
I can feel the blood rushing to my head

Touching hearts
Full of fleeting light
Full of fleeting light
Touching hearts
Full of fleeting light
The fleeting light it rages on
And it rages on (It rages on)
Track Name: Hands in the Fog
Bouncing off the wet mud
I sink deep down
Into the fog
I choke on the smoke
I choke on the smoke
I'm running through the fog
I'm running through the fog
Hands in the fog
Hands in the fog
Touching me
(Hands in the fog)

I am drowning
My lungs fill up with water

I have now died
I am now one with nature
I have become
Pure nothingness
Track Name: Winter Break
It's been about a year
Since you came here
To spend our winter break
Together

You were supposed to see me on your birthday
Which also happened
To be Valentine's day
And to be fairly honest
It's kinda hard to forget

With this gift that I got you
I wanted to somehow prove to you
That I've changed

After slowly convincing myself
That I am
Somewhat stronger
And that I am
Capable of acting
In spite of everything that's in my heart

I wanted to hurt you
Just a little bit
But you didn't care

And when your train finally came
We went to your small hotel room
That you had to share
And we fell in love
All over again

And now,
That I've completely submerged myself
In cold nothingness
I really can tell that this was the best thing that I've ever felt

I remember running to my boarding house
Through the old town
With faint lights
Reflected on the wet ground

It didn't snow
Just like now
As I dragged my feet across the ground

On our last day
Together
I remember thinking
It might be over soon (It might be over soon)
No
It was certain
I was sure
After dismissing multiple phone calls
From my mother
We finally melted
Together
And I couldn't tell that I would break your heart a couple of months from now
Because when you sleep on the moon you can't really tell that it's full
Track Name: Untitled (Hiroshima)
Revelation 10:1-4

His face was like the sun, and his legs were like fiery pillars. He was holding a little scroll, which lay open in his hand. He planted his right foot on the sea and his left foot on the land, and he gave a loud shout like the roar of a lion. When he shouted, the voices of the seven thunders spoke. And when the seven thunders spoke, I was about to write; but I heard a voice from heaven say, “Seal up what the seven thunders have said and do not write it down.”
Track Name: Who Can I Be Now?
The water is now still with roaring echoes
Buried in time
I stand unaffected
Like a boulder in wild waves

And now,
Heavy damp winds blow me wide
With visions of my past life
And how it didn't changed

I am left with a question -

Who can I be now?
Who?
Oh, Who?
Who can I be now?
Who?
Oh, Who?

Soaking in the river are bodies of the people we were
I drive past them and feel a longing
A longing for the past that I could understand

Who can I be now?
Who?
Oh, Who?
Who can I be now?
Who?
Oh, Who?

I've written so many songs about being immersed in death
And the possibility of suicide
But you're still not listening

I should've melted off
Just like snow
Just like snow
I am now completely alone
Track Name: Phobos
This train's taking too long
It's been two months and I still don't know where it goes
It's way too cold
When you're far away from home I'm wearing your sweater and it doesn't keep me warm

You're counting moons above your head
Inhaling clouds
And you still don't know that you're dead

Your face melts in the sun
And I don't know
Oh, I don't know where we are
Your face melts in the sun
And I don't know
Oh, I don't know where we are

It's way too cold
When you're far away from home I'm wearing your sweater and it doesn't keep me warm

Your face melts in the sun
And I don't know
Oh, I don't know where we are
Track Name: Thawing Dawn
Even though we share the same cold air
I want to be closer
Gazing north I start a fire to draw you in
Blazing larches weaving smoke into space
Sparks replacing stars
Buried under waves
I'm ready
I fill up with a gas
Slowing my pulsating body
Losing my grip
Holding on to life
Blinded by the sun
Squinting
Motionless
At the edge of space

Fully obscured
I'm ready (I lost myself)
Gliding nowhere
Faint taillights
Thawing dawn

My life fading with time
Sifting for hope
And walking the cow
Track Name: Either You're Alive or Dead
Either you're alive or dead
There's no inbetween

3:47 AM the 15th of June
I'm alone in my dorm room
My roommate is gone
It's late and I'm broke
So I'm having leftovers from McDonald's
A dollar menu cheeseburger
And I'm washing it down with green tea I made
With tap water
With tap water

I'm alone in my dorm room and I'm thinking of you
I don't know who you are
And we haven't met,
But I know you're there

Distant fireplaces
Keeping us warm

Honestly I don't think I can be happy
In any kind of relationship
This perfect idea of love
Is unachievable

And I wish you would know
How much I want to love you
How much I want to love you
The lack of love
Keeping us cold
And keeping us warm

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